I had a good night.
Where things felt easy and fun, 
And somehow familiar and new.

I felt like I flashed forward in my life,
to a time where I am this cooler, older version of myself,
in a city that I've lived in all my life.
And my friend works at the coffee shop I stumbled into for the first time when I was 16,
and reveled in with rose-colored, youthful amazement.
and I´m wearing a choker and chunky black sandals, 
and walking with an air of wisdom and careful curiosity. 
Like, I know what certain things are like now, 
and what certain things aren't, 
but am still trying despite it all.

This current me is far from perfect, 
she has weary eyes,
a body that´s been abused with smoke and scars.
a mind that´s reached depths she´d hoped it never would.

But I know the younger me is enchanted by her all the same.

Precisely because she is all these things, 
all these things she never dreamed or imagined she would be...

yet, have only made her greater and more alive. 

youth

I'm experiencing something quite novel lately... I am free of school and work for the first time in a year. Naturally, I have become even more of an aimless teenager. 

Who does ridiculous krispy kreme runs at midnight. 

And smokes pink cigarettes in her parent's minivan. 

and goes to a free show at 6 p.m. on a Thursday night. because she can.

and spends an exorbitant amount of time talking about how cute her puppy is... (that belly!?)

and goes to more free shows, in concrete clubs with smoke machines, for artists that she doesn't even know.  

and buys her first bed from Ikea. and LOVES Ikea.  

and goes to Disneyland... again.

and drinks way too much... even out of fucking ginger ale bottles. 

and drives to Downtown L.A. just to get a specialty milkshake. 

It's all so frivolous and silly and stupid... but I can't help it. It's everything right now. 

If you say you're not going to care,

then don't. 

A few days ago, I found myself in Santa Cruz again...

And there I was in my sister's beautiful, cozy apartment...

 Getting my tarot cards read...

We spent our days walking around, soaking in the rain and the fall...

 

And each other. I hadn't seen my sister in so long... 

We saw a brilliant, incredible film, then left us talking about it for hours after...

And drank bowls of souls

And I became obsessed with this enchanting street...

Santa Cruz, you are as wonderful as ever. You are redwoods and ocean and victorian homes and good music/people/food... 

a beautiful, eccentric oasis. 

Until we meet again...

My Mom

Today my beautiful, kind, ever- radiant mom turned 55. I can't believe it.

The day's birthday festivities were as great as I hoped they'd be- I left a card and a corny balloon for my mom to find at the breakfast table this morning... Rushed home early from work to get ready to go out to dinner with her... Gave my mom my gift of a dress and necklace... Ate Japanese food with my family... Watched my mom get showered with thoughtful gifts from all of us... Finished the day with ice cream and the Mindy Project on the couch with her. Perfect.

(This lady got these top-notch dancing shoes + salsa classes as gifts today)

I love this incredible woman. I am so, so very lucky to have such an endlessly loving, joyous, patient, graceful figure in my life. Sometimes I wonder how a person can be full of so much love and optimism... and think what I could have done to deserve her.
As I get older, I get more and more emotional when thinking about my mom. It's like, I'm finally fully realizing everything she does and all of who she is... she's extraordinary.
and I hate to recognize that she's getting older. Time keeps moving so fast.. I feel like before I know it,
she'll be gone. I can't bear the thought.
But, I know I'm being morbid.
My mom, at this wonderful time, is the opposite of gone. She dances and laughs and wears cuter clothes than me and tries every new food I want to try.
Yes, she's here. Yes, she's extraordinary.